What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 01:01
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She loved him until the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What isइस संसार में पहले भागवान आया की इंसान?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Do all you people that took the "jab" feel lied to yet?
All the time i was locked up.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im still living with it.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It was going to be , some day.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot live in the past .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When she asked me how she looked .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was scared of men, in general
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I write beautiful poetry .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was 9 years of age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Would this be the day?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I will be 64.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Who then, do I blame.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.